God knows how much I missed you last night. You would have been proud. Thanks for helping me become the person I am today grandpa. You passed away during one of my low points, but I know last night you were beaming, because I felt it in my heart. I just want you to know that I’m okay. And grandma is too.
Also I want to add how proud I am of all the artists last night, you know who you are.
if i can get by with nothing, why can’t i get by with everything?
There are so many amazing artists out there. What makes me special or anyone else for that matter? who decides?
What significance do I have, if any? I have no idea what I’m doing right now, I have no sense of what is really important and I’m afraid to keep trying. I’m afraid and I feel vulnerable and I’m at a loss for what to do.. I’m confused and I make everything sound so cryptic so I don’t have to face anything dead on. I don’t want to admit certain things to myself or anyone else. I feel broken and i don’t think there’s a valid reason for it.
I wish I had the strength to be honest with myself. I keep putting up walls where there shouldn’t be, and taking them down where they should be. I want to believe that I don’t have control over my fuck ups, but when reality hits I realize that’s no true at all. It’s easier to be a victim, it’s easier to blame circumstance, situations, the past and everyone around me. But deep down I know I’m doing this to myself, and it all comes down to the choices I’ve made and don’t want to live with.
I don’t know what i’m trying to say, if anything. I just know that I’m burning inside because I can feel things starting to slip from my grasp. I feel like I’m on the sidelines of my own existence, and don’t know what to do about it. I lack will power and motivation to change. I’m turning into the one person I never wanted to become. I’m not saying I feel sorry for myself, that’s not the case at all. I’ve realized that things need to change, I just don’t know if I’m ready to change them, or if I ever will be. And when I am ready, what if I’m in too deep and it’s too late? I don’t want to lose the people I care about, but I feel like that’s already starting to happen. I think that what I’m feeling is pushing everyone around me away because they don’t really know what to say or do at times like this. And what I say to that, is that there’s nothing that can be said or done, I just need to get this out of me because it is weighing me down to a point where I can’t function properly. I’m sorry.
I just don’t know how to make sense of anything right now.
so this morning i really had no desire to go to work…i tried calling my boss to cancel my shift, and it didn’t work because she didn’t answer. so i got there around 10.15, and i had to work on my own because im the only moron who didn’t book off fathers day..
i wasn’t in a mood to harass new moms to take photos, so i went to old rooms in the hospital, and went to go see moms who had given birth no earlier than the day before. and for some reason no one wanted photos today, which was great for me because i really didn’t want to shoot at all..except for this one couple. who had twins.
i had a moment of panic because i had never shot twins, and plus i was by myself which sucked balls…it’s so much easier doing a shoot with a coworker. but yeah the photo shoot took about an hour, and i spend the about the same time editing…cuz i wanted to kill time and get paid more :)
so when i went back to show a slideshow of all the photos, i got talking with the dad cuz mom had to feed her babies, so he ended up picking which photos they wanted…and he ended up purchasing the biggest package which was awesome. in the middle of picking photos, his wife was trying to move a chair and he quickly whipped around and moved it for her, and helped her sit down..and i looked at him and smiled, and made a comment about how sweet he was to his wife. he looked at her as he was talking to me, and said [more so to himself] ‘she’s the best, the most amazing person i’ve ever met. i love her more than anything.’ my heart instantly melted, and i remembered why l love my job so much. they were first time parents, and you could feel the love they shared…it was beautiful. his tone was so gentle and heartfelt.
i wonder if he’ll remember that in a few years when his kids are little shits and he’s pussy whipped by his wife?
happy fathers day
i’m going admit that i don’t believe labeling a day should impact your feelings, and it shouldn’t make any difference, really.
but it does. I hate that there’s this weight on my shoulders today, because i miss you more than anything. father’s day makes it more prominent and i wish it didnt. I feel like im faced with all of my mistakes, and all of my regrets. i always feel awkward admitting how much this actually hurts, but then i was thinking about it this morning…and you deserve to be missed. you were an amazing person. you raised me with morals and values, that i forget sometimes. you were a good person all the time, and you did so much for everyone. if i could become just half the person you were, that would be more than enough.
today i’m going to let myself cry for you.